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January 24, 2017

THAT ONE TIME I TRIED TO BE ON THE BACHELOR


oh mercy - here we go. just a few more skeletons in my closet coming out to say hello...all for the sake of the blog. i say skeletons because i wouldn't say i'm super duper proud that at one point in my life i tried to be one gal in a sea of bachelorettes vying for one man's heart. i mean - why would i do that to myself?

(if only i could have seen the future i would have known i was about to compete against many-a-lady in pursuit of my farmer's heart...and i didn't even have to go on a tv show...)

so yes. i filled out the application. i submitted pictures. and do you know what the next step is? you get a "call-back." not an actual call-back. basically, if they liked your application and pictures then they want you to submit video of yourself.

you answer a few questions - yeah. i can do that. talk about yourself. that's easy. why you want to find love...that was going to be harder. i was just looking for a vacation. but the real kicker? you had to submit video of yourself in a bikini and formal wear...and do a little spin.

(let's keep in mind that this was over 10 years ago and i have no clue what their process is anymore. let's also note that 10 years ago i was in the best shape of my life and had a pretty decent bod. if only i could go back and slap myself. karli! you're hot stuff! don't be so self conscious!) 

alas - i got to the video portion of the submission and nearly puked at the idea of getting in a bikini. that's where my bachelor days ended...but a happy story began. i met my farmer shortly after and began my own mini version of the bachelor...and eventually won. or maybe i was just the only girl willing to move to a farm regardless...i got him.

now - i'm sharing this whole story because, you guys, i'm a big bachelor fan. i've been a fan since high school. that's commitment. and let's be real - the show has gotten better and better over the years...especially when they decided it was gold to villainize one of the characters...i mean girls. not characters! this is "real life" people!

remember vienna from jake pavelka's season? she was like, the first real villain. those girls just really didn't like her. and come time find out - jake didn't even really like her.

season after season the producers pick one girl to unleash the beasts on - and the girls are just relentless. i often find myself wondering - do you think the producers let the bachelor pick the majority of the girls and then they say, "okay, ya. you can have all those, but we get to pick her, her, and crazy." then they throw crazy in the mix and watch it explode.

the most insane part of it - why do the girls stick around? if i was getting verbally berated by a slew of girls every day i would peace out of there so fast.

i'd be like, "okay - have fun with your bitches...i'm going to return to normal life."

i can only think the producers pep-talk these girls into sticking around. oh to be a fly on the wall.

i'm going to close this out with some thoughts about this season's villain and why girlfriend is winning at life -

corine + six reasons i think she's smart

1. a huge number one on the list is the fact that she has a nanny. i don't care if the nanny is a house keeper or a cleaning lady or whatever. she called raquel her nanny. and quite honestly - i could use a nanny. i take care of my girls all day long. i bathe them. dress them. pick up after them. make all their meals. but who is doing all these things for me? ummm...me. but what if i had a nanny to do all those things for me? how sweet would life be? two points for you glenn coco...errr...corine.

2. girlfriend knows how to seize the day. the gals were pretty pissed off when she got the bouncy house and proceeded to dry hump nick for approximately five minutes...but good for her. i'm telling you right now...if i rented a bouncy house and got frisky with my farmer all as a big surprise to him...i'd be winning all over the place in my farmer's book. he'd probably go out and buy me a new car or something. two more points for the dry-humping. good for her.

3. quite possibly corine's finest idea to date - her dream was to be at a spa eating tacos. girlfriend - i can't think of a better idea. in fact, the next time i'm kid free i'm most definitely going to a spa and you better believe i'll have some tacos in my purse.

4. you have to hand it to her - she's totally not afraid of confrontation AND she doesn't even sound like that big of an idiot (most of the time) when she's defending herself. i mean, if you care, really watch her. she doesn't talk over the other person. she waits her turn. and when it is her turn she responds with valid arguments...well...valid to her.

5. corine takes naps. this is why i think she might be a little brighter than we're giving her credit for. when she's tired she goes to bed. she doesn't drag herself to sleep deprivation to the point where the crazy eyes and tears come out (like so many)...she just goes to sleep.

6. and lastly - she compared herself to an ear of corn. you guys - when she originally said this i was like...hey dummy. it's an onion. you have layers like an onion. but then she explained herself. she said (and i paraphrase) - i'm like a corn. you peal back my layers and inside is this golden, crisp, delicious, blah blah blah, buttery, blah blah. and i was like - yeah. corn is way better than an onion.

and that's all you ever need to know about my thoughts on the bachelor.
12 comments on "THAT ONE TIME I TRIED TO BE ON THE BACHELOR"
  1. Soooo it's like a pageant, yes? One of my friends also did it as a joke and they asked her to do a call back for the amazing race instead. #bachelorfail. Oomph.

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  2. I totally agree with all of these! And the girls stuffs her face with food and gives no f's as to who is watching or around. I love a girl that can eat with no reserves!

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  3. I've never really been a huge Bachelor fan. But I LOVE UnREAL. I hadn't thought of the show in months, until I was reading this post. If you haven't watched it, you should check it out. When Kaye and Sawyer are in bed, its totally not kid appropriate.

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  4. I have an unhealthy love for the Bachelor. I watch all the shows and I can't be stopped. I love that you auditioned. I've never really known anyone (except my brother knows Jared, they were classmates). My boyfriend watches the show with me now and I keep trying to explain that every season has a Crazy! He's mind blown by it all.

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  5. This post makes me want to watch this season of the Bachelor! I don't think that I could have ever tried to go on the show -- that's just too many girls to have to deal with on the daily ha ha!

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  6. Haha, this made me giggle! But alas, I cannot stand Corinne 9and for most of the above reasons!) but the obsession with sex, jeepers creepers!! BUT she has my vote for the next Bachelorette already - imagine the ratings?! x

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  7. I'm not even watching but you totally just made me lol. You crack me up!

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  8. I am obsessed with the Bachelor this season and have the biggest love/hate relationship with Corinne. Fun fact: Did you know someone started a twitter for her Nanny? It's hilarious, you have to check it out. @corinnesnanny

    Love this post! So funny.

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  9. Other than the very first season, this is the only one I've watched. Corinne isn't someone I'd want to hang out with on a daily, but she's definitely got courage. She's not afraid to go after what she wants! And I'm totally with her on the nap thing too.

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  10. As much as Corinne drives me up a wall, I will say that I do appreciate her tacos in the spa comment--I would totally do that too! And also, I'm just have that my three faves (Vanessa, Danielle and Raven) are still in it to win it!

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  11. Love that you applied for the Bachelor. I often wonder about the women on the show and which parts of the rose-ceremony is real etc.
    I agree that Corinne does make sense in some situations but I can't imagine her being the Bachelorette.

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  12. I stopped watching the franchise a while ago but do you watch unreal? It's SO F**ing good! It deserves that word it's so good! It focuses on the producers of the show and how they have to manipulate the girls and their own moral dilemmas with it. It's GOLD. You HAVE to watch it.

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